2 Dating Women Advice: Age Gap Is Too Great???
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He's 36 - she's 21. It's going well but there is DANGER ahead because of the age difference.
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READER'S QUESTION
Hey Doc,
First I want to thank you. I got your book and have been studying its principles. I’ve learned that the book is really compassionate regardless of how harsh it can be. I’ve come to understand the numbers game with phone numbers. I will admit I was once a wimpus americanus, but now I feel like a real man. I’ve been able to recognize the good from the bad women. You’ve given me the tools to woo a good woman. Feel free to lay it on me if I’m being a poor student.
I’m 36, divorced, and have a daughter. I realized through your book that I should have never married the woman I was with. I admit it was my failure as a man for not heeding the warning signs when I initially felt things were wrong. I am paying for it now, but have gotten to a nice workable place with my ex and conquered some really destructive behaviors that have wreaked havoc in my life.
Now here’s the part where you cringe. I’m now seeing Faith, who is only 21. I was hesitant to pursue something with her, but her Interest Level was above 51% so I went with it. She actually has a lot of life experience. She worked on a farm and dealt with a difficult upbringing. She was born as a result of an affair; however, the man who was married to her mom adopted her. She is very independent and was the valedictorian of her high school.
Time to cringe some more. I am also a professor at a major university and Faith was a former student. I can already hear you yelling “This is a recipe for disaster!” However, things are going smoothly and effortlessly with Faith. I know she is young and I should proceed with caution. I really like her, but am full of doubts. I keep following “The System” and she is responding positively and showing no Red Flags.
I’m trying to find fault with this woman and be a consistent Challenge. I know my Interest Level is high, but I refrain from fun texting, revealing every detail about myself, I keep her laughing and set up dates that allow her free rein. She’s being cautious because her last boyfriend cheated on her.
So what is my question if things are going well? I know the odds are against me, but I also see the potential to have a really great woman in my life. Do I have a grasp of the principles of “The System?”
Anders - who is enjoying himself and having fun
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DOC'S ANSWER
Hi Anders,
Thanks for your letter. And before we go into your issues, I want to explain to those of you out there who do not have “The System” that a wimpus americanus is guy who goes along with everything his date says to the point where he’s ultimately boring.
One of the greatest things about my book is that it points out RED FLAGS and danger signs FAR IN ADVANCE of when you actually get into trouble. And what that means is that you’re not going to be surprised after you get married, or have the wool pulled over your eyes, or she shocks you with her bad behavior somewhere down the road.
Now wait a minute here. Faith is only 21? She should be 31 for this thing to have a chance! Guy, you’re 36 years young and she’s barely out of her teens. You know what I have to say about 18 to 22 year olds: they’re generally too young to commit to a long-term relationship. They haven’t grown up yet (and I put guys in that age range in the same boat - you can have a great career or be in the military at a young age but odds are - understandably - 18-22 year olds are not ready to make a 50 year romantic commitment!) This girl has not gone through the life experiences that you have. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, “By the way, does your girlfriend have any play dates set up with my daughter?”
Now if you could get Faith to 25 or 26 years old, you might have a chance. But a 21 year old? She’s simply not grown up enough yet. The reason you went with this thing is because Faith is good-looking and she’s young enough to be your daughter. And you already have a daughter, let me remind you.
Let me point something out to you, Anders. The fact that Faith had a tough upbringing is another RED FLAG. It’s not something that you want in a wife or girlfriend if you can help it. It can spell lots of trouble in the future, when the difficult upbringing begins to manifest its effects.
Faith seems to have brains, which is great, but you should really be a lot younger to be with her. The odds of you lasting with her until she’s 26 or 27 and then marrying her are slim at best. You’re going to get all wound up – you already are – and give your heart to Faith and then it’s going to be broken. And people are going to laugh at you when she breaks it. As the old cowboy saying goes, “There ain’t no fool like an old fool.” Even people who aren’t familiar with “The System” know enough to ask, “What’s a 36- year-old guy doing with a 21-year-old girl?”
I’m glad everything has been going well up to this point, but you have a long way to go with Faith. You’re going to have to date her for at least four years before she reaches full maturity.
I know you see a certain potential here, Anders, but the odds aren’t good, as you yourself said. That’s the entire idea of “The System” – to tell you when you meet a woman what the odds are of the relationship going anywhere. And like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “When this babe runs into some stud quarterback with a six-pack and all of his hair, you’re history.”
Yes, you have a grasp of my principles, my friend. But where you’re off the track is thinking that the odds with Faith are maybe one in three. They’re really one in 30.
Remember, guys: when you’re old enough to be her dad, you’re going to get burned.
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