She Keeps In Touch With Her Ex’s Family? Big Deal? Or Not?
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(Editor's Note, this letter was written before Doc's death in August, 2020 but still relevant as Doc's principles are timeless).
Hey Doc,
Because of your materials I have a great gal, Jane, who just asked me to get married. Thanks a ton for coaching me on how to keep my girlfriend in love.
My question is this. I was at Jane’s apartment when she was listening to Dr. Laura. A married woman called up and said she wanted to go to lunch with the mother of a guy she dated for three weeks during a breakup she had with her present husband and just prior to their getting married. She said she had gone out with the guy only three times and it was no big deal because now she is very happily married. She added that she has gotten very close to her ex’s mom. Dr. Laura said it was a good idea to go on the lunch date and that she should invite her husband to come along. The husband balked and wanted nothing to do with the arrangement, causing friction in the marriage.
It was Jane’s opinion that the husband was off base and uptight over nothing. But in “The System” you emphasize “No exes lurking in the background!” I smell a rat because you have taught me to be a love cop.
What’s the deal, Doc? Is Dr. Laura full of it and dispensing lousy advice or is it really no big deal to keep in touch with your ex’s mother?
Biggy - who wants to know what is really going on
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Hi Biggy,
First of all, thanks for the compliment. One of the fundamental goals of “The System” is to teach guys how to keep their women in love with them over the long haul. Glad to hear it’s working. If you abide by the principles in my book, she’ll be in love with you forever.
You are dead-on right in your assessment of this situation, but most people wouldn’t see it. But before we look at it closely, I want to say something about Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, Dr. Joy Brown, Dr. Drew Pinsky, and all the other love doctors who claim to be experts in all fields of human experience.
There are over 20 types of engineers: mechanical, industrial, electrical, mathematical, etc. Each one is a specialist and an expert in his or her area of endeavor. And as the old adage goes, you simply cannot be great at everything. To you Psych majors, if you try to be all things to all people, you will end up a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. Dr. Laura, for example, gives advice on how to raise kids and how to not argue with the neighbors about their barking dog, as well as everything else in between. She gives lots of advice in many different areas of life, but I only give advice in ONE, the most important area of all if you want to be a success with women – HOW TO KEEP HER INTEREST LEVEL IN THE STARS. I don’t give advice in other areas, because I have only one strong suit. It’s my contention that this should apply to all love doctors.
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Now let’s look at the situation you brought up regarding the married woman who befriended her ex’s mother. What Dr. Laura did not see, or ask the wife, was this: “If you had an argument with your fiancé, why did you go out with another guy so soon after the argument?” Like my cousin General Love says, “So much for loyalty, right?” And here’s another crucial question that she missed putting to that married woman: “Couldn't you have been alone for a day or two until you worked it out with your fiancé before running off to another guy?” Or how about this one: “How did you meet this guy’s Mom and get so close with her son in only three dates?”
No, Dr. Laura missed everything of importance here. She should also have said to the chummy married woman, “After you have lunch with your ex’s mom, your ex is going to ask her questions like, ‘Do you think that she’s happily married? Can I go along on your next meeting?’” Etc. In other words, this guy is still lurking in the background, waiting for his moment to pounce. But Dr. Laura didn’t think of that either, did she?
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The poor, hapless husband intuitively knew that the conversation his wife shared with the mother of her ex would be heard by the son – his wife’s ex. And the ex happens to be the guy who wanted the married woman. He might not have put it into so many words, but it was Dr. Laura’s job to bring that very important point out. Maybe she didn’t want to. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “One thing you can say about women is that they stick together!”
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Now that husband should be asking his wife, “If I hit a tree and died and your ex called for a date, would you go out with him?” I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!
That wife thinks her hubby is jealous and possessive. But it’s my opinion she’s anti-loyal. Even if she thinks her hubby is wrong and too backwards in his thinking, ISN’T HER MARRIAGE MORE IMPORTANT THAN HAVING LUNCH WITH SOMEONE HER HUSBAND WOULD PREFER SHE NOT SEE? But apparently she would rather make her husband uncomfortable and be right rather than be loved. Dr. Laura missed that part of it, too. The truth is that she missed everything, Biggy. Like the great Doctor Freud once said, “Would you ask that woman for advice?”
Remember, guys: loyalty is numero uno.
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